


You've Got To Be Kitten Me, Alternate Ending

by Lukenthius



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental overdose, Allergic reaction, Allergies, Animal Transformation, Cat Avengers, Cat Bucky Barnes, Cat Clint Barton, Cat Peter Parker, Cat Steve Rogers, Cat Tony Stark, Cats, Dad!Tony Stark, Gen, He's a munchkin cat, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Parental Instinct, Past Amputation, Protective Tony Stark, Tiny Kitty Bruce Banner, Tony stark has a heart condition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:02:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22854421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lukenthius/pseuds/Lukenthius
Summary: An alternate ending to my story You've Got To Be Kitten Me.Some free-writing lead me in a direction i decided I liked, but not for the real story, so you get to see it here.Goal: Loki decided he wanted to cause some mischief.Problem: He didn't want the Avengers to interfere.Solution: Turn them into Cats!
Relationships: Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Kamala Khan & Tony Stark, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 5
Kudos: 79
Collections: Furballs and Fireballs





	You've Got To Be Kitten Me, Alternate Ending

Over the course of the next few hours new people slowly drifted into the common room. First DareDevil, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones and Iron Fist (Tony rolled his eyes at Murdock in the costume, as if they couldn’t all figure out who he was by the other 2/3rds of Nelson, Murdock and Page being present), then Claire Temple and Coleen Wing, then Scott Lang and Hope Van Dyne. Finally, Rhodey came in, which seemed to be the signal for Dr Strange and Wong to show up via portal with Thor, Dr Foster and Darcy.

Darcy immediately picked Tony up and began cuddling him. “Oh my god! They’re so cute!” She crouched down properly and reached a hand towards Tony's kittens.

He just reacted on instinct. He hissed and dug his claws in, kicking at her with all four legs and landing in front of his little nest in a raging ball of furry fury. He slowly lowered his hackles as she backed up, hiss trailing off into a low threatening growl before quieting completely when she’d backed up a sufficient amount.

He turned around and began frantically licking his kittens’ heads, assuring himself they were unharmed. God, this whole animal instinct thing was ridiculous. He was gonna have a hairball when this was over, he just knew it.

“Wow… mean kitty.” Darcy nursed the scratches on her arms, letting Claire inspect them.

Matt smirked. “That’s what you get for threatening a mother’s babies.”

The other avenger’s chuckled at Tony being called a mother. “Well, he’s not wrong.” Tony shrugged.

“ **Now that you are all present, Dr Strange, Prince Odinson, do you have any ideas how to reverse this?** ”

Thor looked to the ceiling. “Aye, great guardian. Whenever my brother has cast this prank in the past it has worn off within a day. I do not know how it would affect a Midgardian but I cannot believe it would be that much of a difference.”

Dr Strange made some hand motions, glowing circles appearing. “He is correct. It’ll wear itself out in less than a day. It would take longer than that to find a counter spell. It’ll be best to leave them be for now and let the spell wear off on its own.”

Iron Fist nodded and looked around at the transformed avengers. “So… I figured out who most of these guys are… but who’s she? I didn’t realise there were any moms on the Avengers.”

Jen grinned and looked where he was pointing. “That’s Dr Stark.”

Rand frowned. “No… that’s a female. Right?” He looked around at the others. “All the other boy cats, even the little kittens, have testicles. She doesn’t. Unless he’s been neutered. Do the Avengers have a pet cat?”

Everyone looked around at each other for a moment before all the male cats twisted around and cocked a leg, just checking that they did in fact have balls. Almost in sync they turned to look at Tony who had also checked to verify the complete lack of a fury sack.

Tony sighed heavily and chirped at Jarvis for a moment.

“ **Dr Stark would like me to inform you that he is in fact, Dr Stark, and that his testicles were surgically removed after a savage attack against his person when he was thirteen.** ”

Tony shrugged and pushed Peter over from where the boy was trying to catch a peek. “Considering Bucky’s arm, Coulson’s hand and my arc reactor didn’t transfer over, I’m honestly surprised I’m surprised my prosthetic balls didn’t come too. Makes sense that _all_ prosthetics didn’t transfer over. Will you stop that.” He pushed Peter over a third time when the boy tried to catch another peek and scruffed the boy, sitting down with him dangling from his mouth, tiny feet and tail pulled up to his belly. Eventually Peter wiggled and Tony dropped him back next to Harley and Ryan.

Tony looked back up to see the humans all staring at him with various different looks.

Before anyone could say anything, and alarm sounded and the cats all flattened their ears.

“ **Loki has been spotted in Central Park. He does not appear overly hostile, leaning more towards ‘chaos’ than ‘psychotic’ this time.** ”

It took less than two minutes for all the heroes present to suit up and file through the portal Strange conjured up.

Tony looked up at Claire, Foggy and Karen and chirped in question.

Karen crouched down and petted his head. “That alarm must have been pretty awful for your ears huh?”

Tony chirred and rubbed his head into her hand before turning back to his kittens. It seemed no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop focusing on them for more than a few seconds at a time. Tony nudged Peter, Harley, Ryan, Miles, Kamala and Doreen into his belly fur, Riri spread herself over his back and settled in for a nap. “Nap time.”

Skye chirred loudly from the other end of the coffee table. “Great idea! Naps!” She bounded over and curled up next to Coulson, quickly joined by Fitz and Simmons. Agent May curled up around them from behind. Bucky almost buried himself inside Steve with how deep into the blonde’s fur he’d managed to get.

It took almost three hours for the other heroes to come back, looking tired but triumphant.

Daredevil flopped onto the couch not currently housing a small lion sized housecat with a hidden assassin-turned-grumpy-cat. “If this is what being an Avenger is like, I am glad I never joined you guys.”

Ironfist draped himself over Daredevil’s lap as he sprawled out and took over the entire couch. “Why are you complaining? You were the only one who could tell the difference between Loki and his clones.”

“Your powers are weird.” Agreed the enormous, green Jenifer Walters. Bruce came bouncing over and she crouched down, letting him jump up into one of her hands. He almost vanished from sight, her hands were so big and he was so small. “Her Cuz, how you doing?” She slowly shrank back down, her suit shrinking to fit her diminished frame. “Thank you, Dr Stark, for inventing stretchy clothes.” She grinned down at Tony who simply blinked sleepily at her and meowed before curling back up into his pile of kittens and letting himself fall asleep now that the others were back.

He could hear the de-brief later from Jarvis, for now? Nap Time.

.oOo.

The rest of the day and the night was uneventful, really.

There were a few instances where Tony got overly defensive about his kittens but it was really only Natasha and Steve that he seemed to have a problem with. The shield agents were happy to stay on their side of the coffee table but when his kittens did wonder over Tony was fine with it.

The first time Steve climbed down off the couch and stretched Tony crouched low, growled and felt his fur stand fully on end. He couldn’t stop hissing at Steve as he collected his kittens up onto their pillow and crouched over them, claws out and swatting at Steve whenever he got too close. It took almost an hour for Tony to calm down and apologise. He honestly had no idea why he did it, it just seemed like his instincts were taking over from time to time.

With Natasha, he simply walked over and carried his kittens away from her if they’d been near her too long.

At one point, Happy came in with some cardboard boxes and within seconds every cat had vanished from sight. Sam was happily playing with Karen, playfully darting a paw out from under the lid of his shoebox and bopping at her hands when they got too close, claws held carefully inside. The kittens, along with Skye, Fitz and Simmons, spent the entire time playing, jumping in and out of boxes, ‘sneak attacking’ the humans, batting the mice around or rolling in the catnip Danny had sprinkled on the floor.

Unfortunately, getting the catnip out turned out to be a bad idea.

Cap and Bucky both still had very sensitive noses. And Cap was ridiculously large. He easily overpowered Danny and made him drop the entire pot of catnip causing a cascade of tiny, wonderful smelling leaves to scatter through the air.

Tony kind of lost time for a little while there.

He came back to himself with the feeling of someone running something hard, with multiple blunt spiky pieces on it, down his back and the strong smell of Rhodey in his nose. He blinked slowly and lifted his head, ears twitching, and looked around. He was sat lengthways on Rhodey’s lap with his rump on the man’s knees (which explained why the smell of him was so strong). Rhodey was running a brush through his fur, pulling tufts of it out along with tons of tiny leaves.

Tony shook his head as the overpowering smell began to get to him and snorted and huffed, trying to clear his head. Wow… this was worse than that time he’d walked into a frat party and gotten high within a minute of just being in the room with them smoking so much pot.

It took a while before Rhodey finally stood up and carried Tony over to a box with all his kittens, freshly brushed and clean and little bits of milk around their mouths which they were all licking off. Tony chirred in question and looked up at Rhodey, gently placing both front paws on the man’s chin.

“Hey Tones. You back with us?”

Tony chirred again.

“Yeah. That was a pretty bad trip huh? You guys all went a bit nuts on that catnip. We’re cleaning it up now, but the smell’s gonna linger. Especially in the longer fur. We don’t know how clean Doreen’s fur is… or, we assume it’s Doreen, since her tail’s so fluffy. Cap too. Way too much fur on that thing.”

Tony laughed quietly and curled up around his kittens, feeling distinctly ill and tired. He slowly and gently began washing the kittens but must have fallen asleep at some point because when he woke again, they were all being lifted up out of the box.

_No. Gi’me back my babies_ …

Tony stood on wobbly feet and tried to climb out of the box but collapsed back down.

He didn’t feel good at all.

.oOo.

“-not that kind of Doctor. I was a neurosurgeon, not a vet! I don’t know how to treat sick cats!”

“Well we have to do something! This isn’t a normal reaction to catnip! Tones and I used to give it to mama’s cat all the time and he never did this. Look at him! Something is wrong!”

“Colonel, we can see that. We know you’re upset, but you need to try and contain yourself a little.”

“My brother is a cat. He’s really sick. Could be dying! We don’t know! Because we don’t have any way to treat him! We don’t even know how much longer he’s gonna be a damn CAT!”

_Rhodey! Rhodey is sad. Need to hug my Rhodey!_

Tony slowly opened his eyes and blinked around, letting his head flop about a bit until he realised he was being cradled in Rhodey’s arms. He reached a paw up and slowly batted at Rhodey’s chin but that just seemed to make him feel worse.

“Don’t worry Antonio. We’ll fix this. We’ll help you.”

Antonio? Wow… Rhodey must be feeling really bad if he’s using that name. That’s usually reserved for ‘have you updated your will recently’ kind of situations. Now Tony was worried.

He reached up towards the ceiling and meowed his ‘attention’ noise, Jarvis responding instantly. He chirped and churred for several moments before curling back up into his big brother’s arms, curling into his warm chest and listening to his heart thundering away.

“ **Sir wishes me to inform you he feels dizzy and nauseous as well as being very sleepy. He feels similar to the times he has been exposed to Cannabis in high doses. He believes he is simply experiencing an overdose as such and will feel better with time, though would appreciate some water. He would also like to know what happened and how long he has been ‘out of it’.** ”

Rhodey nodded frantically, “Right. Yes. Water. Happy, fetch.”

Happy stood and picked up one of the water bowls off the floor, bringing it over. “Why do I have to do it?”

“You’re the one who bought the catnip in the first place.”

“Rand is the one who spilled it all!”

Danny glared up at him from where he was sitting with an icepack on the back of his head, causing Tony to coo in concern when he saw it. “Cap is the one who knocked me out tackling me. And thanks for your concern, Dr Stark. I’ll be alright.” He smiled gently at Tony and nodded his head slowly.

Tony settled back down and chirped up at Rhodey, batting his jaw again.

“Yeah, yeah. Alright.” Rhodey gently set Tony down next to the water bowl and began telling him everything that happened. How Cap had tackled Danny to the ground and sent the catnip flying, how everyone had begun rolling in it and batting at each other. Clint had apparently eaten some and promptly gone straight to sleep and hadn’t woken up for hours.

Apparently, Coulson and May as well as Fitz and Simmons had to be separated because they all kept getting too randy and the humans didn’t want anything to happen or know what the consequences would be. Plus, as Darcy pointed out, cats have barbed penises. That would not be comfortable or pleasant for May and Jemma, so, another reason to keep them apart.

Tony took a quick break from lapping at the water to check at his junk but if there were any barbs there, they were hidden, so he turned back to his water.

His kittens had tired themselves out playing and having fun. Ryan spent the whole time curled up in Karen’s hands, gently licking her thumb before being fed. The others apparently got jealous and soon enough they were all being fed while having the catnip brushed out of their fur and placed in a clean box.

They couldn’t get Cap clean so they just shoved him and Bucky into another room with as much of the catnip as they could sweep up. Everyone else was cleaned and the tiny-robo-vacuums Tony made for the tower came out and cleaned up as much as they could.

Jarvis has made a note not to allow catnip into the tower when one of the avengers has been turned into a cat.

Bruce was quite smug about being the only one not affected. Apparently a third of cats were, they were just unlucky enough to almost all be.

Tony kind of wished he wasn’t. He really didn’t feel good.

And apparently he was thirsty since the bowl was now empty and his belly was uncomfortably full and sloshing slightly as he moved.

A few minutes ago, while he was out of it, his kids’ parents had arrived and were all sitting around the room with their kids in their laps. That’ll be when his kittens were taken from him earlier. That was okay. His kittens were safe with their families.

The rest of the night and the next morning passed uneventfully for the cats.

Their humans on the other hand, had to leave four more times when a bunch of different supervillains decided that with the Avengers out of commission, they were free to do what they wanted.

It was a very tired, and very grumpy team that happily welcomed the Avengers back into human form, nineteen hours after they’d changed.

Tony stood up and swayed slightly, still a little dizzy from the catnip as the smell never really left the room. He slung an arm around Rhodey’s shoulders. “Hey, thanks for coming to help, you guys. We really appreciate it. Stay a while, I know you’re all exhausted. We have spare rooms here. Take a nice long hot shower, get some sleep. We’ll have some food ready for you when you wake up. It’s the least we can do.”

He grinned over at Nelson and Page, “and I will personally pay the ‘consultation fee’ for you guys. Only fair since you’ve missed a whole day of work. Maybe two.”

Karen grinned sharply. “Thank you, Mr Stark. We appreciate that.”

Tony smiled dopily and nodded. He looked over at Thor. “Hey, Point Break? Could you go deal with your brother?” Said crazy god was chilling in some dimension Strange had shoved him into after their battle yesterday.

“Verily, my friend. He shall not escape Asgard this time.” He stepped up to Strange who summoned the sometimes-evil god from where he’d stashed him and the two brothers disappeared onto the balcony and off into the bright rainbow light of the bridge.

Tony nodded slowly and turned back to the rest of his team sans Barnes and Steve, who were still in the room they’d been put into when their fur proved to be too fluffy for catnip removal. “Would you guys mind if I sit out of anything today? I still feel kinda bad.”

Clint nodded and stretched. “Yeah, man. It’s fine.” The others all nodded along, looking at Tony with some concern.

Tony nodded slowly. “Alright… I’m just gonna… lie down for a bit…” he felt himself lean more heavily into Rhodey, his head lolling slightly. “I’m just… I…” He felt his body go limp and Rhodey frantically catch him and lower him to the floor, his eyes sliding shut as his head lolled limply on his neck. Damn. That catnip really got to him.

“Tony!”

.oOo.

Tony woke on one of the hospital beds in the medical wing of the tower. His head was pounding like he’d been drinking again, his memories a bit foggy but he seemed to remember being a cat? Probably Loki… yeah. Loki.

“Hey, Mr Stark? Are you awake?”

Tony tilted his head a bit to see Peter and May Parker sat at his bedside. He also noticed he was wearing an oxygen mask. Fuck, how sick was he?

“Tony. Good to see you back with us.” May smiled and gently took his hand and he noticed the IV stuck in it. “You gave everyone quiet the scare there. Feeling better?”

Tony shook his head slowly. “Like a bad hangover.” He whispered. He went to pull the IV out and noticed one stuck in his other hand too. “The fudge?”

Peter nodded, eyes suspiciously wet. “Yeah… you were really sick. They wanted to get the medicine in you as fast as possible and make sure you got plenty of fluids, so they gave you two IV lines. It was kinda… you were really out of it. Really scary…”

Tony whined low in his throat and reached out for the kid. “M sorry, kiddo. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Peter shook his head. “Yeah. I know. And no one knew you were allergic to catnip either, so no one is really at fault but…”

“But it still scared the pants off you?”

Peter giggled. “You swear weirdly now.”

Tony nodded. “Yeah, well. Ryan is still a little kid and I can’t swear in front of her or I’ll get in trouble with her mom.”

“No need to worry about that now.” A voice called from the door.

Tony turned to see Harley, Ryan and their mom Taylor stood in the doorway. “Hey. Why?”

Harley grinned. “Coz after you fainted everyone started swearing really hard and we all learned loads of new swearwords. Also, DareDevil can apparently hear heartbeats which is both awesome and creepy at the same time.”

Tony laughed slightly and pushed the button to sit the bed up properly, watching the little family come into the room and hover by Peter and Aunt May. “How long’ve I been out?”

“Only a few hours. It’s about nine pm now.” May gestured to the covered window, where the dim light of the city outside was barely visible around the curtain’s edge.

Tony nodded slowly, annoyed that he’d slept for so long. He was just getting his body used to a normal sleep schedule and now it was all screwed up. And no doubt Bruce would want to keep him here overnight too so he couldn’t even go down to the workshop and build all night to keep himself awake properly.

_And speak of the devil_.

Bruce and Strange walked in. Strange looked as haughty as ever, while Bruce had a relieved grin on his face. “Hey Tony, good to see you’re alright. How’s your head?”

“Clear and free Doc.” Tony grinned and edged his feet slowly towards the side of the bed. True to his guess, Bruce gave them a pointed look and raised an eyebrow, causing Tony to pout and slide them back to the middle. “Aww, come on, Brucie, I’m all better now.”

Bruce shook his head. “Not yet. You’re staying here for the night, keeping those IV’s in too. We’ll see about taking one out now, but you’re keeping the other in until tomorrow morning. You even try sitting up on your own before I say you can and I’ll tie you to the bed.”

Tony grinned slightly, fighting not to make a suggestive comment. There were children in the room after all. He pulled the oxygen mask back in place when little black spots began swimming in the corners of his peripheral. Bruce frowned and came over to look at the monitors and Tony lowered the bed down to a more comfortable thirty degrees, which caused a lot of worried frowning from the others.

Tony pulled the mask off briefly. “Okay, so maybe I’m not quite a hundred percent yet.”

Bruce nodded. “Yeah. Maybe not yet. And maybe we’ll keep both of those IV’s in for now.”

“Did you remember to account for my reduced lung capacity and function? And my heart condition?”

“No… that would mean I’d have to… yeah and…” Bruce nodded. “Right.” He set about fiddling with buttons on the oxygen machine next to the bed, and went off to get fresh bags for the IV’s as the two attached to Tony were almost empty. Tony hoped to god he didn’t change the catheter bag with the kids in the room. Thankfully, Bruce seemed to know that Tony was thinking as he shooed everyone out the room after a few minutes to let Tony get some rest before changing the bag and leaving himself. “Try to get some more sleep Tony, your body needs it.”

Tony grinned sleepily up at him. “Sure thing Doc. Didn’t think I’d fall asleep so soon but I’m pretty wiped. See you in the morning.”

Bruce turned the lights off and slipped out the room. Tony huffed a deep breath and closed his eyes, settling down to sleep off his massive hangover.

Stupid opiates.

Was catnip an opiate?

He’d have to ask Jarvis in the morning. For now? Nap time. Then watching the security footage.

His babies would be absolutely adorable as kittens he was sure.


End file.
